‘We joke that she did a long con’: couples on meeting their partner through friends

Modern romance has become a churn. Peak swipe fatigue has hit, with many resorting to a form of dating sobriety. The meet-cute is still an option, but only for some.
Before dating was app-ified, we tended to meet people through social groups and activities. Dating culture researcher and host of the Later Dater Today podcast, Lakshmi Rengarajan, who worked at Match.com when Tinder launched in the early 2010s, witnessed the cultural shift. Online dating was mostly “for people in their 30s or 40s, when you weren’t running into people as much, or you felt like you had exhausted your friend circle”, she explained. “Before that, you exercised your IRL muscles – having a crush at work, [or] talking to people in a bar or at a club.”
Some people have returned to social networks for romance. I talked to seven people who met their partner through friends – and two who set their friends up.
Stephanie: “Beth, my brother’s wife, and Scott sat next to each other in the office – both are very friendly, talkative people. She liked him and, truthfully, was finding another way to continue hanging out with him! We now joke that she did a long con by picking out her brother-in-law.
“She showed my photo to a few guys in the office, including Scott, under the guise of ‘I’m trying to set my sister-in-law up. Would any of you want to date her?’
Scott: “Beth showed a photo of her ‘newly single sister-in-law’ around the office, gauging interest. I thought she was very beautiful and remarked that she probably wouldn’t have any issues finding somebody.”
Stephanie: “The set-up happened [at] going-away drinks for [their co-worker] after work. Beth asked if I’d want to go and meet him in real life.
Scott: “We talked and hit it off. Steph messaged me first and said, ‘It was great meeting you tonight :)’ I said something like, ‘It was great meeting you too! Let me know next time you’re in the city!’ Steph claims I tried to use a ‘cool guy’ response, but the truth was that I lived in Brooklyn and Steph lived in suburban New Jersey. I wasn’t entirely sure how that would logistically work. We figured it out!”
Stephanie: “The fact that Beth had already approved him was really helpful. My family is important to me. Beth and my brother had been together for almost 10 years at this point, so she’s more of a sister to me.”
Rena: “I’d had a pretty dire dating life. About a month prior, my housemate had matched me with a friend, with whom I shared the driest kiss known to man. When another friend suggested meeting Duncan, I said no thanks. The only reason I went over was to see her new apartment. When I arrived, her husband, who is also my friend, and Duncan were making Ikea dining chairs.”
Duncan: “I tried to go in with low expectations. [Our friends] kept saying how intimidatingly smart and culturally clued-up Rena was, which may have led to me pretending to be more well-read than I actually am. What I wasn’t prepared for was how stunning she was – you could cut glass with those cheekbones – or just how calm and kind she immediately came across. Despite her whip-smart intelligence, she was incredibly down-to-earth and disarming, which immediately made me comfortable and relaxed.”
Rena: “My friend’s husband is so uncoordinated that Duncan looked like a DIY expert in comparison. I remember thinking something cheesy like, ‘Ooh, he looks handy.’ Then he looked up, gave me the warmest smile I’d ever seen, and I was instantly interested in knowing more about him. Duncan was actually living with and good friends with them, which gave me more hope that we might get on, and he would have a sense of humor.”
Duncan: “After what I thought was a solid first date, I asked her out for a second. She replied that she was busy for the next consecutive 21 nights. To this day she still maintains she was doing an Indian head massage course but I understandably concluded that she was not that into me. I still have never worked out whether she was that busy, genuinely uninterested, or [it was] just a major flex to keep me interested. Either way, it worked.”
Rena: “In the first few months, we didn’t tell [our friends] we were dating, which removed the pressure of them constantly asking how it was going or interfering. They found out we were together after I stayed over at their flat for the first time – I walked out of his room in the morning and they were completely shocked to see me. But happy, I like to think.”
Rachel: “I was out canvassing in Atlanta for Stacey Abrams’ gubernatorial campaign with my friends Ian and Beca. We went out for margaritas afterward, and Ian’s friend Saša slid into his DMs asking about me after Ian posted a pic of us on Instagram. Beca realized she knew Saša too. Then they both turned to me and were like, ‘You should absolutely date Saša.’ I hadn’t mentioned wanting to be set up, but I had been single for a little while – my friends knew I was on the apps and quite sick of them.”
Saša: “Both of our friends were messaging me about Rachel, talking about how great she is and that she was also single. There was an implication that we’d get along really well and that they both wanted us to go for it.”
Rachel: “Beca was texting both me and Saša before our first date. She was like, ‘He’s really tall and he goes to therapy,’ which honestly sold me on the whole thing. I think she was talking me up to him too. Not to brag, but I also go to therapy.”
Saša: “Meeting through mutuals is how I’ve met most of my dates and partners – I never really used dating apps. I spent most of my adult life in a smaller city and knew everyone in my social scene, so meeting people through mutuals is really natural in a place like that. When you meet through friends, it’s like they’ve already gone through a vetting process. It can make those first stages clearer and move a bit quicker because you already have context for that person.”
Rachel: “Having friends who vouched for him upfront went a long way for me. I felt like he came with solid references, like a great job candidate. He was clever and funny in our DM conversations and really handsome, from what I could see on Instagram. I actually canceled our first date because I was sick. A week later, I randomly took a trip to Chattanooga, Tennessee. Unbeknownst to me, he grew up in Chattanooga and was in town that weekend as well. He invited me to his friends’ party, so on our first date I met all of his lifelong friends. I had so much fun and felt immediately really into him.”
“I have set up three couples who have since got married and procreated; another couple is slated to marry this fall.
“I absolutely get permission before ever connecting two people. I make sure they’re both open; at least vaguely interested in the other person – I usually show an Instagram grid or something; interested in similar [dating] ‘goals’, like a possible long-term relationship or something casual.
“Sometimes I’m lucky enough to see two friends interact out in the wild and if I pick up on vibes, I separately approach both to get a temperature check. If I get both folks’ consent, I send them each other’s numbers or let them pursue on their own.
“No one’s ever gotten upset with me with set-ups. Sometimes things just don’t work, but in general, even if the attraction or spark isn’t there, it’s a pleasant enough hour-long outing in which they spend time with a potential new acquaintance or friend. I always urge them to understand there’s no pressure – I’ll never be offended if they’re not up for my idea for any reason.”
“It was something my fiance and I wanted to do, I think partially fuelled by happy-relationship smugness and partially fuelled by a love of gossip. We had set up friends on blind dates previously, all of which were massive flops, and we realized that British people are too awkward to meet in such a constructed environment – there needs to be an air of plausible deniability. No one wants to feel desperate, and everyone needs an easy get-out clause if the match doesn’t work out.
“My mother-in-law mentioned how in the 90s, before dating apps, people would host dinner parties and invite their single friends to meet. It wasn’t seen as being overly involved, just a nice and normal thing to do. When I was single I always felt at a bit of a loss – friends would sometimes float the idea of setting me up with someone but then not follow through, and it felt burdensome or even desperate to be asked to be set up.
“We joined forces with another couple after mentioning the idea to them over dinner. We knew way more single guys than girls – I was the last single girl in my friend group – and theirs was the opposite. It was so fun, probably more for us than the guests. Our only criterion was that [party guests] were single and looking for something a bit more serious.
“I think there were at least three first dates as a result – I think one of the couples is still dating, four or five months later!”
“I think this person set me up with her then husband because she truly thought we would enjoy each other. She trusted me and cared for me, and knew I cared for her. They were exploring polyamory and had slightly different dating styles. I knew her through a mutual dear friend and I also had taken care of their kids.
“Her husband and I had mutual interests and we hit it off immediately. It was a pretty instant connection, and we had permission to lean in and see what would happen.
“I was definitely open to being set up, even though I don’t think I ever asked for that, specifically. I was open about being single and hoping for a companion, but it’s always been hard to express that you’re ‘looking’, especially as a woman.
“We were at a birthday party and talked about a show that was happening that night. We both went and talked to each other all night. He said his wife encouraged him to go to the show and shoot his shot with me. It worked, even though it was unconventional and foreign. But it felt sweet and exciting and right.
“The dynamic with his wife/my friend who initially set us up went through a lot of trials and tribulations. We hurt one another. I would say it was generally unintentional, as we were building relationship models that didn’t exist for us growing up. There’s a lot to learn from the choices we have to make, and there’s so much beauty and pain in that. But I was always aware and grateful that she was the one who set us up. That also made it hard when there was conflict. I had a hard time establishing autonomy and power, which ultimately led to us uncoupling.
It was so deep and meaningful. We never could have known what that nudge would lead to.”
Interviews have been edited for clarity and length